University of Alabama Football Is the Worst Thing On Earth.
It’s worse than taking a Harley trip across America with Rob Zombie. It’s worse than being sentenced to a 20 year Samuel L. Jackson movie marathon. It’s worse than being the curator of Ashton Kutcher’s hat collection. It’s worse than being the creative director of advertising for the Golf Channel. It’s even worse than being Dave Navarro’s girlfriend. University of Alabama football is the single darkest, most sinister phenomenon we have the misfortune of observing as citizens of Earth. No other thing is so bereft of value and perspective, such a tangible pugnacious nemesis to levity and grace. No other thing is such a terrifyingly evolved, sophisticated manifestation of envy, fear, doubt, and ill will. University of Alabama football is a living testament to the spirit of evil amongst humankind. I know. This might all seem a bit hyperbolic and something of an obsessively strange topic to write about, but it’s really not. This isn’t really about Alabama football. This post is a Dostoevskian look into the heart of evil. It just so happens that evil’s most nakedly brazen manifestation is football at the University of Alabama.
I was born in Bountiful, Utah to a military officer and a schoolteacher in 1975. Until I was 2 years old I lived in Utah, which is an astoundingly beautiful, idyllic place, that even its disdainfully haughty Mormon populace can’t ruin. In 1977 my family moved to Germany and we stayed there until I was 6 years old, giving me an opportunity to grow up in an imaginatively stimulating, historically rich foreign culture–which isn’t to say that I was hot shit for living in nice places (because almost all Europeans and Utahns are retarded), just that my upbringing prior to 1981 was positively influenced and imaginatively nurtured. In 1981 my father was re-assigned by the military and my family moved to Fort Rucker in Enterprise, Alabama. Enterprise was a fine town to be a kid in. Most of the inhabitants were from military families so the makeup of the citizenry was fairly diverse, and to me it just seemed like a more wide open, hotter version of Germany–with a lot of gnats. People seemed interesting and hopeful. Life seemed to be bright for most everyone there. I thought Alabama was a great place to live.
My father was born and raised in McCalla, Alabama, a tiny town outside of Birmingham that is best known for being the town where iconic American athlete Bo Jackson was born–a fact the mostly white, mostly racist populace isn’t particularly proud of. Instead of being a small town’s legendary native son, he’s more of a footnote…and a commentary on just how little a black man is valued in Alabama. While living in Enterprise, my father took me to McCalla to meet my family in Alabama for the first time. I remember being instantaneously smitten with the bucolic, serene beauty of the place. It was like a Bob Ross painting come to life. I rode around in the back of pickup trucks as much as I possibly could and generally just awestruckly absorbed the seemingly infinite expanse of creeks, pastures, dirt roads and convenience stores that made up this incredible, fantastically pastoral world. After a few days I was able to comfortably settle into the ethereal sense of awe enveloping me enough to explore and establish closer relations with my family there. As with any family there are those you love, and those you’re connected to without connection. I had begun to sense even as a 6 year old that there was something that came along with the isolated beauty of McCalla, Alabama; a nefarious force I couldn’t then label insecurity. I began sensing some strangely negative sentiments from some of my newly met family members that didn’t quite make sense to me. Why, I wondered, could anyone have bad intentions in such a serenely perfect place? Then darkness revealed itself. It all became clear. The devil made his entrance. Jada Pinkett-Smith walked through the door.
“Are you for Alabama or Auburn?!”, blurted out one of my less than kindred spirit Alabama cousins. I can still remember the feeling that the discordant sentiment I’d been struggling to find the root of was being revealed to me as I wondered what on Earth I was being asked.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Is Auburn a state?”, I asked, confused and morbidly interested.
“No stupid. It’s a football team.”
As a child growing up in Germany the only thing I really identified as being American was the NFL, so I had some interest in that and knew all of the teams. ”They’re not in the NFL are they? I only know about the NFL.”
“Pfft. You’re dumb. They’re college football.”
“I don’t understand. College is like where you go to school after high school, right? They have football teams in college?”
“Yeah, and in Alabama you root for Alabama or Auburn.”
“Do you have to?,” I asked.
“Yeah.”
Realizing that asking this person to weigh the philosophical value of attaching a vested interest in an academic institution’s football team was perhaps more of an issue than this person was willing to confront, I decided on an alternate plan. ”Who are the teams again, Alabama and Auburn? Alright, who are you for?”, I asked.
“Pfft. I’m for Alabama. Roll tide.”
“OK. You’re for Alabama…then I’m definitely for Auburn.” And so I was. Minutes later the word was being spread around Granny Stacy’s house that I was for Auburn. I didn’t know the rules of football, still wasn’t completely clear on what college had to do with football, and couldn’t identify the helmet of the team I was being ridiculed for being “for”, but nonetheless it seemed to be something of some importance to my family, and it became clear to me that most of the members of my family that seemed strangely at odds with the serene beauty of Alabama, were big Alabama fans, and seemed to delight in the ignominy they could now cast on me for something I didn’t care or know about. In short: it was their way to be assholes. Some of my family members came up to me and told me that it was OK, that they were for Auburn too. They were much nicer people, and I seemed to get the feeling that they were less for Auburn and more for not being a total fuckhead about some non-important bullshit. A year later Bo Jackson from a mile down the road was the best high school football player in the nation. He decided to go to Auburn. I felt like I knew why.
I spent the next 5 years moving around the South and gradually started to understand why college football was a big deal. Most Southern states don’t have pro sports teams, and even in those that do, most rural Southerners relate more strongly with something they can have a connection to (i.e. a university) than with something like a pro sports team, which is seen as more of a city folk thing. I found it a bit unfortunate that the region chose to identify itself through a rather artless, gaudily commercial sport, but by this point I’d learned that most people weren’t very comfortable with imaginative possibilities, and that if they could they’d articulate the value of imaginative possibilities as being ”for faggots”. So when I was 12 years old my father decided he wanted to get out of the military to move closer to his family in Alabama. Having been so smitten with Alabama before, I was very excited to move there. I knew about college football now and figured I understood the mentality of the University of Alabama fans in my family a bit better now and figured it wouldn’t be that much of an issue. I couldn’t have been more wrong if I’d made a pre-arranged wedding for my daughter to Chris Daughtry. In the rest of the South, people care about college football. It’s a tie that binds. I have become a University of Florida football fan over the years even though I find American football to be grotesque, crass, and socially and intellectually destructive. I guess it’s just because I’ve grown up in the South. At some point it just seemed like kind of a dick move to tell everyone around me that what they liked was stupid, and I got involved in it because I wasn’t ready to go goth in the 2nd grade. But people in the South have some perspective about college football. It’s the thing they’re into that they talk to strangers about. It’s what they do on Saturday. Fans of University of Alabama football don’t just watch the games on Saturday. Being an asshole Crimson Tide fan is the totality of their being. They buy crimson SUV’s and permanently adorn them with University of Alabama flags and McCain/Palin stickers. They dress like old dead coaches as a serious fashion statement. They dress their newborn children in “Bama” baby-gear the day they’re born. They keep University of Alabama flags on their porches 365 days a year, and make the decision to wear Alabama Crimson Tide clothes to the Birmingham mall (the center of Alabaman state culture) even though 80% of the people there are also doing so. If you haven’t lived in Alabama, you don’t understand. Check this shit out:
I mean seriously. Are you fucking kidding me? At what point do you stop pretending that you’re into a college football team and just start crying in the street asking strangers if they’ll tell you they love you. This is a grown fucking woman wearing an Alabama Rob Zombie hat (a frightening enough concept in its own right), the Roll Tide version of those slutty shorts disgusting 16 year old suburban chicks wear to the mall to prove to guys they could work at a Hooter’s if they wanted to, a pair of sunglasses that would make Dale Earnhardt Jr. blush, and a painting of a college football mascot wearing a Bear Bryant hat (more on him later) replacing the functionality and legality of a shirt–in a heavily populated public place. This woman is 50 years old. She more than likely has children. Let’s think about a few things here. Look at the crowd behind her. They’re not like freaked out or anything. She has stopped to have her picture taken to “save the moment”. She’s gonna go back and hang out with those people behind her in a minute. The novelty of what she’s done has already dissipated to those around her. She’s just gonna go and chat with her crowd behind her in a minute about, oh, I don’t know– what would she be talking about? Maybe she’s gonna tell the people behind her that she wishes Vin Diesel were white. The other sociological issue I find amazing is that she’s basically getting away with indecent exposure because she’s advertising a college football team on her breasts. This only happens in Alabama. I can’t go to Athens, Georgia, and write “UGA” on my wiener and “Go Dawgs” on my respective ass cheeks and not get arrested. But believe it or not, this is the endearing sect of Alabama football fans. These “I’m so rowdy and I get so fucked up, and I love the Tide and Budweiser and Kid Rock owes his entire career to my dumb ass ” are the Alabama fans that have just hopped onto the asshole parade. This chick’s just mind-blowingly dumb and lives in a society too fucked up to define itself in a way that’s not completely disgusting. The devil doesn’t live inside this woman, she just heard the devil had a keg, and this is the only way she’d get into the party. This woman is tragically funny, this shit is fucked up:
This is a grown Nickelback fan with a very, very large tattoo of Paul “Bear” Bryant on his back. As you can see he’s wearing a houndstooth hat, just like Bear Bryant used to wear. You can also see a sixty year old woman walking nonchalantly in front of him. She is wearing a crimson sweater. In a few moments she’ll tell him how much she likes his tattoo and hat. He will say thank you. Unlike any normal 60 year old woman, she won’t be afraid of a large idiotic shirtless redneck with a massive idolatry problem advertised all over his being, because the object of his idolatry is Bear Bryant, Alabama football’s version of God, which is to say, everyone else’s Satan. A mythological figure in the state of Alabama, Paul “Bear” Bryant is both a product of Southern insecurity desperately attempting to establish identity, and a shrewd manipulator of that sentiment–essentially using the groundswell of pride amongst insecure, distrustful Alabamans to establish himself as a demi-god. It’s difficult to find good information on Paul Bryant because most people that have taken it upon themselves to do research on him have less in common with historians and more in common with Jihadist Muslims. On his wikipedia entry there are unsubstantiated claims of him having saved hundreds of lives in the Navy in a ship accident, though it is a documented fact that his division never saw action in combat. He was dubbed “Bear” for his alleged exploits as a bear wrestler in fairs. His status in Alabama is essentially that of an ass-beating, shit-kicking alternative to Jesus. He was , in fact, a member of a fraternity at the University of Alabama, which means that whatever information about him may or may not be aggrandized fiction, it’s 100% certain that he was an unfathomable asshole. It’s well documented that his treatment of his players was abusive, with numerous instances of players being hospitalized due to malevolently inhumane practice conditions. The University of Alabama under Bryant’s stewardship was one of the last schools in the United States to give black players scholarships, and when following the trajectory of Bryant’s career, it’s very apparent that Bryant’s chief motivations were creating and propagating his own legacy and mythological status. For example, during Bryant’s most successful run as head coach at Alabama there were no rules regarding maximum number of football scholarships per program, so on any given Saturday the University of Alabama might be employing 10 times the money of their opponents (in a contest of purported amateurs) because of a lack of perspective by the University of Alabama’s fans and boosters, and a megalomaniacal opportunism ready to be seized upon by Bryant. So as other state institutions spent resources on their students and faculty, the University of Alabama spent money on football. Bryant’s influence in the state of Alabama is not limited to football. Bryant’s egotistically garish management of the football program has made the University of Alabama a lot of money and established itself as the dominant cultural force in the state, but at a frightening cost to the intellectual fabric of Alabama. In Alabama poets write poems about Alabama football, painters paint portraits of Bear Bryant, and musicians learn how to play “Sweet Home Alabama” and play it in pro-Tide bars for the rest of their lives. Most books in a given Alabama household are related to college football. It’s no coincidence that the same state that gave rise to a college football team defining its cultural identity is now perhaps the most heavily Republican state in America. The same insecure tendencies that cause a state to effectively lash out at the rest of America by stacking the deck of an amateur athletic contest are the same tendencies preyed upon by the Republican party’s attempt to brand itself as a party of maverick, swashbuckling, self-reliant heroes –from which they can then disenfranchise the rights of those citizens in the name of the bottom line of their corporate campaign contributors. The average Alabaman now grows up with three choices: 1) take advantage of the beautiful natural surroundings and live a life of stoic discommunication/detachment/self-motivated independence, 2) aspire to becoming a member of a fascist regime under the guise of college football fandom, or 3) get the fuck out of Alabama. This is something I know a lot about as an Atlanta resident. Atlanta is my home. Atlanta is a lot of things. One of those things is embarrassing…because we’ve basically become a refuge for all the citizens in the Southeast who know they’ve gotta get the fuck out of wherever they’re from, even if they don’t know anything else.
This is what I’m really talkin’ about. Look at this shit and tell me you’re not scared. No? Look closer. Notice that every male is wearing a collared shirt. Every single one–even the asshole Will Ferrell guy with the sunglasses rope and his tongue hanging out in the bottom left. This picture is presumably taken in the student section, which is where the most terrifying Tide fans hang out. These are college students at a state institution of learning that are all trying to look like the exact same asshole Titleist salesperson. These people represent the perceived apex of Alabaman social status; which is to say that Alabama football has successfully turned the high point in social achievement in the state of Alabama into being a bigger asshole than the bad guys in Caddyshack II. Note that nearly every person and every single girl has a pom-pom . Have any of you ever shaken a pom-pom? I did it once earnestly and a part of my soul is still crying because of it. And on a broader note, why would any woman give a shit about football? It’s boring, violent, completely unfluid and isn’t even fun to play. My daughter’s mother made the mistake of talking her into playing softball last year, and to be supportive I attended all the practices and games. During one of the practices some of the girls began chanting “Florida Gators rule!” Another group of the girls began chanting “UGA” and “Go Dawgs!” in response. At one point my daughter began to chant “UGA” because she was from Georgia and sensed it was necessary for her to pick a side. I instinctively admonished her, reflexively blurting out, ”Madison Stacy, you do not yell about things you don’t care about!” I was a bit embarrassed that I’d said that in front of a bunch of softball parents/Ron White fans, but even they all knew I was right. There is no intelligent reason for a healthy female to cultivate an interest in American college football. A girl forcing herself to get into college football is the same thing as a guy forcing himself to get into Cosmopolitan sex surveys: they’re both insulting enough to the intelligence of the gender they’re designed to appeal to, and adding stupid cross-gender interests to the list of dumb shit that dumb people do only makes people more stupid in more ridiculous ways. I’m not even going to say anything about trying to find a black person in this picture. Good luck with that. Evil is the absence of imagination succumbing to fear. The following is a video depiction of what exactly that means. Roll tide.
December 26, 2008 at 3:44 pm
[...] University of Alabama Football Is the Worst Thing On Earth … [...]
October 22, 2009 at 2:01 am
I HAVE MEET SOME REAL DUMBASSES BUT YOU TAKE THE CAKE. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT REAL ALABAMA FANS YES WE DO LIVE FOR FOOTBALL BUT THAT’S WERE IT ENDS BUT YOUR STUPIDITY DOS’NT END.I’M FROM BIRMINGHAM AND WAS A HUGE BO JACKSON FAN.MY SUGGESTION TO YOU IS GO BACK TO GERMANY OR STICK A FUCKING SHOT GUN IN YOUR MOUTH AND END YOUR MISREABLE LIFE OR YOU COULD GO TO FLORIDA SINCE YOUR A GATOR FAN I’M SURE TIM TEBOW IS LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND YOU FUCKING QUEER. THANK YOU AND ROLL TIDE BITCH!!!!!!
November 29, 2009 at 7:02 am
and a commentary on just how little a black man is valued in Alabama.
This was extremely rude, and insulting to all African-Americas in Alabama. I have lived here my entire life, and do not feel the urge to move. I am valued. Why don’t you go back to Utah where you belong and stop insulting my home?
December 17, 2009 at 5:48 am
I am also from McCalla, Alabama and now live in California. My, my, my, so many big words, so many apocryphal statements from a grown man that most likely has issues from being your age and still having the smallest dick in the 2nd grade.
December 26, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Whats the point of this article? You could basically change this to be “Aresenal Football is the Worst Thing on Earth” or “The Yankees are the Worst Thing on Earth” or even “Sporting Teams and Events are the Worst Things on Earth.”
Change a few key words and phrases in this article and you can write it over and over. Mind you, I feel the author has a few good points and I generally enjoyed the article…but I also feel that the South gets much more negative attention its love of football than other examples. Yes, there are crazy fringe fans that choose Alabama football as their vocation. So what? This isn’t that big of an anomaly in any area that gets lots of attention. Why not write an article about the one guy that has been going to every Arkansas State-Pine Bluff baseball game for the last 15 years?
Its just a lame cop-out the author has used to devalue something of cultural importance in the state of Alabama. The author was right when he said football is something southerners can use to talk to strangers about. It’s something fathers can relate to their children, and grandmothers can talk to their grandchildren about. The games are shared memories of time spent together. Whats so evil about that?
As for the Palin-McCain/Alabama Football bumper sticker comments: Go ahead a draw a parallel with the New York Yankee/Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama bumper sticker. Are we supposed to say “these dumb city folk like their government like they like their baseball team: grossly overblown, fiscally irresponsible morons who try to run a government or team by throwing money at the problem instead of finding solutions”
See, its not really hard to draw meaningless comparisons and has no real meaning.
You know, just sayin…
Thanks for another article demonizing Alabama Football. I’ll toss them in the pile with the rest of them.
Roll Tide.
-Finch
December 26, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I AGREE WITH FINCH. LIBERALS ALWAYS TRY TO SHIT ON THINGS WE SOUTHERNERS ENJOY. THE NEW YORK YANKEES ARE A TEAM FULL OF RICH LIBERALS AND I HATE THEM AND LOVE ALABAMA FOOTBALL. I HAVE A MCCAIN/PALIN STICKER ON MY SUV AND I PUT MY ALABAMA FLAGS UP ON GAMEDAY. I WILL NEVER GIVE MONEY TO LAZY BLACKS OR OTHER LAZY MINORITIES AND MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN NOT A MAN AND A MAN. I GUESS THE WRITER OF THIS BLOG WANTS TO SEE PEOPLE MARRYING COWS. JUST LIKE A TYPICAL LIBERAL HE HAS NO COMMON SENSE AND MY FLAGS ON MY EXPEDITION JUST LET EVERYONE KNOW I LOVE ALABAMA FOOTBALL AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I GREW UP WATCHING ALABAMA FOOTBALL WITH MY DADDY AND IT HAS BEEN MY LIFE EVER SINCE. WHY? BECAUSE I AM A WINNER. WHOEVER WROTE THIS PIECE OF SHIT ARTICLE IS OBVIOUSLY A LIBERAL AND LIKES AUBURN BECAUSE AUBURN ARE LOSERS WHICH IS WHAT WHOEVER WROTE THIS IS. THATS RIGHT A LOSER. I AM FROM ALABAMA AND BEAR BRYANT IS A GREAT MAN AND HE HAS DONE MORE TO BE A GREAT LEADER THAN ANY PIECE OF SHIT LIBERAL WRITING A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT ON THE INTERNET WILL EVER BE. THE TIDE WILL ALWAYS ROLL AND NICK SABAN WILL TAKE US BACK TO GLORY IN 2009. ROLLLLLLLL TIDE!!!!!!!!
December 27, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Ah, it would seem that the title has elicited some very protective feelings amongst the masses. Conservative, liberal – come now, people. This is funny. What an awesome writer Davetaius is. I was crying, I was laughing so hard. It’s difficult to choose a favorite phrase, but one would certainly be the description of the bottomless man in comparison to the libertarian body paint of the woman old enough to know better. And, the observations of the group shot of the game can hardly be disputed. I’m sure there is a perfectly good explanation for why there are no shades of color in the crowd – maybe they’re still segregated at UA.
Whoever wrote that this is the story of anywhere else has never been to Alabama. And, I don’t mean that in the same way the author means it. Unlike the author, I love Alabama. But, it is unique. And, UA fans are rabid indeed. And, one thing the author sort of was forced to do was choose to focus on UA and not the UA and Auburn rivalry, but that can become as divisive as living in Kentucky during the Civil War – you know turning father against son sort of all-out war. Maybe people have died – who knows?
But, the point is well developed that there is evil in such madness. Although, if you’re going to have evil in the world, but there are worse eventualities than painting your boobs and wearing stupid clothes and tattoos.
Keep writing Davetavius; others will enjoy your creativity and humor as much as I did, I am certain.
GO UTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KILL ALABAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December 30, 2008 at 11:50 pm
so, you’re saying alabama fooball is almost exactly the same as the video game guitar hero? i thought so.
love,
scott corruptor
January 6, 2009 at 3:20 pm
[...] is Kind of a Sellout Jump to Comments I’m getting married to Davetavius. Because of this post. I know that’s apparently a controversial decision for a radical feminist, but I promise [...]
January 7, 2009 at 4:27 pm
ButtKicker69 has to be a joke, right? Right? Or a perfect troll comment to illustrate everything you wrote. At least Finch had the common sense to attempt to make an intellectual argument and the courtesy to not use all caps. This whole post made my day.
January 17, 2009 at 5:35 am
I remember being ashamed of not following sports growing up. The fact that I was a male meant sports were supposed to be my main interest bothered me. I guess there’s nothing wrong with following a team as long as you don’t take it to idiotic levels. I just hate the fact that people who don’t want to adopt that jingoistic attitude are looked at as weird or inferior. Awesome blog by the way, don’t mind my somewhat irrelevant rant.
January 20, 2009 at 6:01 am
WELL DUDIKOFF IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY. IF YOU COULDNT GUESS WHAT THAT IS ITS A L-O-O-O-S-E-R. I GUESS YOU ARE A TYPICAL LIBERAL AND THINK IT IS OK TO BE A PUSSY AND NOT INTO SPORTS. SPORTS IS WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT. EVERY MALE IS INTO SPORTS UNLESS THEY ARE A FAGGOT BECAUSE SPORTS IS PURE COMPETITION AND AMERICAN CAPITALISM IS PURE COMPETITION AND IF YOU CANT HANG WITH THAT THAN YOU SHOULD GET OFF THE PORCH BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A REAL DOG. LET ME SPELL IT OUT TO YOU. AMERICA IS ABOUT COMPETITION AND FREEDOM AND IF YOU CANT HANDLE THAT THEN MAYBE BARACK OBAMA NEEDS TO PASS SOME PUSSY LAWS FOR YOU AND ALL OF YOUR KIND. IM SURE HE WILL VERY SOON. I AM A LIBERTARIAN AND I DO NOT SUPPORT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY BECAUSE GEORGE W. BUSH AND HIS LIBERAL POLICIES HAVE DESTROYED THE GOOD NAME OF CONSERVATIVES BUT NOW THAT WE HAVE A GOOD VOICE LIKE SARA PALIN THAT LIKES TO SHIT ON LIBERAL SCUM LIKE YOU WE WILL NEVER FEAR YOUR KIND AGAIN. LIBERALS ARE WHAT COMES OUT OF MY ASS AND THAT IS SHIT AND I WILL NEVER LISTEN TO YOUR ANTI AMERICAN BULLSHIT AGAIN WHEN SARA PALIN IS PRESIDENT BECAUSE SHE IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO WHO WILL NEVER LET A FAGS BULLSHIT MAKE HER A TRAITOR TO AMERICA. OH IT IS SO COOL TO SAY YOUR NOT INTO SPORTS LIKE DAVETAVIUS. I GUESS ITS COOL TO SHIT ON EVERYBODY FOR NOT BEING A PUSSY. WELL GUESS WHAT DUDIKOFF? THE JOKE IS ON YOU BECAUSE AMERICANS LOVE SPORTS BECAUSE THE HEART OF AMERICA IS COMPETION AND IF AMERICAN BUSINESSES CANNOT COMPETE THEY SHOULD NOT GET A GOVERNMENT BAILOUT BECAUSE THAT IS SOCIALIST AND SOCIALIST IS THE GOVERNMENT OF COWARDS. IF YOU HAVENT READ A HISTORY BOOK LATELY ILL TELL YOU WHAT THAT MEANS. AMERICANS ARE NOT COWARDS EXCEPT FOR YOU LIBERALS THAT WONT SLEEP UNTIL YOU RUIN THIS COUNTRY. IT IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY. FREEDOM ISNT FREE. ITS JUST TOO BAD THAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THERE FREEDOM BY TRYING TO BE DIFFERENT INSTEAD OF JUST BEING NORMAL. YOU THINK YOU ARE SO COOL BUT REALLY YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER PART OF THE DEATH OF THIS COUNTRY. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!
August 10, 2009 at 2:19 pm
That was my favorite part.
February 12, 2009 at 2:04 am
BUTTKICKER69, well that pretty much says it all. This is your typical insignificant, lacking and over compensating douche canoe you can expect to see at “The Crapstone” (a famous structure at the University of Alabama). I’ll bet everything I own that he thinks that a Jack and Coke is the best drink ever. Between writing in all caps and your screen name, we know all there is to know. You also may considering changing that screen name as it gives you away for being one of the few people left on this planet who has yet to kicking someones ass or have sex.
Oh and War Eagle…
July 16, 2009 at 1:57 am
UM get a life!!!!!!!
alabama rocks.
you are just so jealous.
and its sad that you wasted your life writing this.
July 16, 2009 at 6:59 am
Alabama football definitely rocks, but I’m not sure how much so when considered in contrast to kids, the Jonas Brothers, Chickenfoot, Wii, Blind Melon, etc.
August 3, 2009 at 9:28 am
Wow, really….you need to take a step outside or read a newspaper if you think Alabama football is “the worst thing on earth”. Alabama football is a tradition, it has been since the NCAA was created…and most likely always will be. People take pride in their team doing well, and they enjoy rooting for their team. BIG DEAL, let them have their fun without making yourself out to look like a narrow minded dumbass. The SEC is the most competitive division of football there is, and if you are born in the South you grow up with football in your household. The majority of the people who live in the South take a lot of pride in their team winning. So maybe you should change your title to “SEC Football Is the Worst Thing On Earth.”…or possibly something along the lines of “SEC Football – Bringing Families Together”.
Before you post some outrageous blog stop and think about it…….ROLL TIDE!!
Drake,
August 6, 2009 at 6:52 am
I AGREE WITH YOU DRAKE. DAVETAVIUS IS A LIBERAL AND THAT IS WHY HE IS AFRAID OF THE INFLUENCE OF ALABAMA FOOTBALL. I GREW UP IN BESSEMER ALABAMA AND EVEN THOUGH MY PARENTS PAID FOR ME TO GO TO SCHOOL WITHOUT ANY BLACK KIDS IN MY SCHOOL DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE RACIST. IT JUST MEANS THAT THEY CARED ABOUT MY EDUCATION. I LOVE ALABAMA FOOTBALL AND IF I WERE A RACIST HOW COULD I CHEER FOR A TEAM THAT DOESNT HAVE ALL WHITE PLAYERS. WELL ALABAMA HAS BLACK PLAYERS AND THEY ARE STILL MY FAVORITE TEAM. HOW DO YOU THING YOU CAN RESPOND TO THAT DAVETAVIOUS? OH YEAH. I DIDN’T THINK SO. ALSO I AGREE WITH DRAKE LEWIS BECAUSE HE SAYS SOMETHING THAT LIBERALS DO NOT KNOW IS TRUE. BARACK OBAMA IS KILLING THIS COUNTRY. BECAUSE HE IS PUTTING THIS COUNTRY INTO DEBT WITH TARP AND NO REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT WOULD EVER VOTE FOR THIS. OH YEAH I KNOW THE ISSUES AND I SUPPORT DRAKE LEWIS. IT JUST TURNS OUT ONCE AGAIN THAT DAVETAVIUS CAN SPEAK WELL IF THERE IS NO COMPETION.
September 2, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I ran across this. To quote the great Lewis Grizzard, you transplant yankee asshole, Bus tickets run both ways. If you don’t like the south, get the fuck out and go watch some lame fag sport like soccer. You find football devoid of inteleectualism and find it destructive? It is an accurate reflection of our culture. We like things that are destructive.
September 3, 2009 at 5:50 am
wow, whoever wrote this article is full of hate. and obviously an auburn fan. bitter asshole. ROLL TIDE
September 14, 2009 at 7:24 am
I AGREE WITH YOU JOSH!!! DAVETAVIUS IS OBVIOUSLY A SOUTH HATER AND A YANKEE!!! LEWIS GRIZZARD WAS A GREAT MAN WHO TOLERATED GAYS BLACKS AND YANKEES. SOCCER IS A SPORT FOR FAGS BECAUSE THERE IS NO AGGRESSION IN IT AND THERE ARE NO COMMERCIALS. AMERICA IS THE NUMBER ONE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD BECAUSE WE TAKE CHARGE AND ARE NOT AFRAID OF CAPITALISM. IF PEOPLE LIKE DAVETAVIUS WERE EVER TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE WORLD THAN IT WOULD FAIL. OH WAIT DAVETAVIUS WILL NEVER BE IN CHARGE BECAUSE HE IS A LOSER LIKE ALL OF EUROPE AND THE REST OF THE WORLD. ROLL TIDE.
October 3, 2009 at 6:40 am
hey to the man who wrote this i just want you to know to i have live in Alabama my whole life and i would trade anything for it my family is divided we like Auburn and Alabama and we get along being a Alabama fan and a Mccain supporter myself i feel like ur article is a discrace to the southern way of life until u have lived in one place and understood the culture u have nothing to say i dont care how old u are. all i have to say to u is ROLL TIDE ROLL and Mccain and palin should have been in office cause they would have done a better job cause atlest mccain has a american birth certificate where as Obama doesnt there really not sure where he was born and im not racist but he doesnt have the experience to run a country right now he’s trying to get the olympics here when he should be working on the BIGGER PROBLEMS like the economy and healthcare which his healthcare plan is a joke but thats for later anyway all im trying to say sir is why are you calling Alabama fans Asshole when you yourself are acting like one by writing this garbagge so again i say ROLL TIDE ROLL and goodnight to u
October 19, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I was born and raised in Alabama and I can agree that the rivalry here can be pretty bad at times. However, there are other rivalries in the world. I know plenty of yankees that act FAR more worse than any southerner about their team! The first Iron Bowl was in 1893. The first Army, Navy game was in 1890. You’re a military brat, you should know this. Outside of the U.S., Oxford and Cambridge….since what, the early 1800’s? This sport, and it’s competitive nature, isn’t limited to the southeastern United States. And you’re a moron for writing in such a fashion that you single out one college, when you seem to be fairly intelligent, but you have a one-track mind. Maybe that’s the image you wanted to portray; you’re a smart stupid person…or a stupid smart person.
I do agree with some of the things said. The Cowboy video, whether that dude was from Alabama or not, was just stupid. I’m sorry, but he is NOT what Alabama fans are like.
I’m sorry that you had such an asshole of a family member, it seems to run in the family. There’s one on the Alabama side, and you evened it out on the Auburn side. What can one expect from anyone that come from the land of Hitler? I’m sure your kind of sport involves that of the old Roman Empire….an arena, with a bunch of people being killed, preferably Jews in your case, and you would probably kill them with your ten speed, or mountain bike. “Oh, schiß ich erhielt Blut auf meinen Gummireifen!”
And while I used to be extremely over-protective of my home state, I have had things happen in my life that has completely changed that. I’m not trying to defend Alabama at all, but know this, we are not all like the typical, redneck, beer drinking, truck driving, shotgun shooting, toothless southerner that you try to make people think we are.
Why don’t you study on the oldest rivaries in history and get the frustration of your childhood out of your system. You know, you might need to see a psychiatrist. Otherwise, you’re going to take this into you marriage, if anyone would have you, and you will rasie your kids with these issues…and you will probably be abusive. Go get some help.
It makes me wonder now….who was the real asshole? You, or Jada Pinkett-Smith?
October 22, 2009 at 1:30 am
This is hilarious. You came here from Utah and want to bash our tradition? That would be like me moving west to the Salt Lake State and bashing them for having 12 wives and marrying at age 12. Sure, it may seem ridiculous and backwards to me, but I would have no right to bash it. Alabama football is one of the greatest institutions in this great country. Just because you don’t understand it, you have to condemn it. You want to talk about racist and predjudice. What the fuck do you call that. Evidentally your Alabama-born father didn’t raise you. If he did, he didn’t do it right. Otherwise you would already know what I’m about to tell you. The same road that brought you here will take you home. Love it or fucking leave it. Roll motherfucking Tide, said with honor and pride. Peace out, bitch!
October 22, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I don’t think this lived in the south. Anyone that has traveled north and south knows that race relations is worst in the north than it is in the south. I have spent time all over the country and this is a fact. He needs to spend less time on the computer and more time understanding the world. His next blog will be BUSH is responsible for alabama football. Isn’t that what all you lib’s do blame everything you don’t like on Bush.
October 30, 2009 at 6:38 pm
HYPOCRITE: One who proclaims:
“At some point it just seemed like kind of a dick move to tell everyone around me that what they liked was stupid.” (Davetavius)
… and later says:
“Fans of University of Alabama football don’t just watch the games on Saturday. Being an asshole Crimson Tide fan is the totality of their being. They buy crimson SUV’s and permanently adorn them with University of Alabama flags and McCain/Palin stickers. They dress like old dead coaches as a serious fashion statement. They dress their newborn children in “Bama” baby-gear the day they’re born. They keep University of Alabama flags on their porches 365 days a year, and make the decision to wear Alabama Crimson Tide clothes to the Birmingham mall (the center of Alabaman state culture) even though 80% of the people there are also doing so.” (Davetavius)
…And how can you make negative generalizations about an entire religious group (The Mormons) and then chastise the entire fan base of a Major University (U of A) for being bigots?
For a person with such a well developed vocabulary, Davetavius appears to have a very underdeveloped …. well …. you know. It sounds like he is such a hateful person because Daddy didn’t let him play with the big kids when he was little. Davetavius, I’m sure your blue-blooded military father would be ashamed to hear his ‘boy’ speaking like such a ‘Liberace.’
I would advise you to discontinue your blogs, Davetavius, for reading your arguments makes clear the sad truth that you do not have proper rhetorical education. I might suggest expressing your frustrations through interpretive dance, which you could record and upload to the internet in lieu of attempting to verbalize your incompetence. I am sure that you would embarrass yourself less that way.
Have fun hating everything, douche bag.
Roll Tide
November 2, 2009 at 11:02 pm
You know, I can’t believe this blog is still going. I couldn’t help but continue it myself. Being a simpleton myself from the deep south, I couldn’t help but notice that in this disertaton that our good friend Davetavius wrote simply showed one thing. He is obviously as ignorant, violent and seemingly just as uninformed of the facts as all of the “evil alabama fans” out there. I know where I grew up in Alabama, it was not thought of as evil, but as tradition. Contrary to Davetavius, They are not the same. This tells me that Davetavius was not brought up to believe in tradition or pride. That’s a shame, as that truely is what drives this country to be as great as it is and continueing to spark the spirit of capitalism and competition. It really doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a THESAURUS to make ones point or to understand that Davetavius is absolutlely an top-notch, grade A, ass licking liberal fuck, who obviously got his ass kicked every day of his pathetic little life( at least while he lived in Bama, none of us would put up with his bullshit for very long.) I do want to thank him for the blog though, it was worth me getting the chance to say to a real asshole and obvious moron” Go Fuck Yorself!!!!”
Roll Tide Roll !!!!.
February 9, 2010 at 7:53 am
I’ll tell you what, I know Davetavius, and if there were two words I’d use to describe him, they’d be violent and uninformed of the facts. You hit it on the head there, brother.
November 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm
That was one funny ass article. A little too much hating but many very funny things. I moved here from california of all places and my shock was the same. I’ve learned to embrace the football program and I own season tickets. But I admit that the fans here are a little over the top. Especially with Bear Bryant. When I take my son to a big game I inevitably leave early for fear he will be somthered or hear every cuss word in the book from raging drunk fans. At the LSU game we walked by a motor home with a bunch of guys hugging and dancing singing “lsu sucks ass”. So yah I like the football but I could do without all the nostalgia.
November 27, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Спорить можно бесконечно, поэтому просто поблагодарю автора. Спасибо!
December 20, 2009 at 2:39 am
You know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Some people like football, some don’t. Some people love the south, some don’t. Some people like drinking and cussing and fighting and being destructive and rude and frustrating, and some don’t. These kinds of things are “what makes the world go round” so to speak. We don’t all agree on things in this world, and that’s OK. But, just because we don’t like or don’t agree with something doesn’t mean we have the right to demonize and degrade them. We are all just as wrong for condeming someone who thinks or acts differently than we do as the person who we think is in the wrong. We do not have the authority to do so. I live in Alabama. I enjoy Alabama football. But, life is so much bigger and so much more important than football, an embarassing childhood moment or the frustration that comes with an argument. I hope we can all take a second and realize what really matters. The blessing of this life that God has given us all to enjoy!
January 30, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I cannot believe I just read some of this post. Precious seconds that can never be recovered. You owe me bigtime Dave. If that’s who you really are. I can see that someone really pissed in your cherrios. That’s to be expected if you survive on this planet more than a year or two. The key is not to let hate and anger ruin your life. I mean really, we obviously aren’t intellectually worthy to lick your boots. We aren’t the worst forms of life in the universe; we live in the crack of the worst lifeform’s ass. How could we possibly raise ourselves to a level high enough to hurt your feelings? I’ll bet there isn’t even any oxygen at your level. You must be godlike to survive such superiority. Craven worm that I am, I relish the fact that I might be associated with something worthy of causing you emotional anguish. Excuse me while go get some alone time with myself and fantasize about my newfound power over you.
February 6, 2010 at 7:57 am
I have to admit that this was a very funny response.