Davetavius

I’ll begin this blog with a confession on the limits of my political expertise.  This is all I really know about politics: 1)  Libertarians are stupid assholes.  Essentially Republicans that want to convey a lack of obsession about Jesus shit, Libertarians are the current incarnation of  the shittiest people to ever inhabit the earth.  Given the fact that it’s 2008 and no intelligent person has a reason to define their life out of some religious nonsense, the Libertarian party has become an outlet for the growing American populace that isn’t necessarily dumb enough to get into crazy-Jesus-Republican-shit, but still wants to exert the American identity of unthoughtful chest-beating dickheadedness.  2)  Democrats are usually sleazy politicians because…they’re politicians.  However, Democrats at least are professedly interested by creed in the welfare of the nation and government that can best benefit the health of its citizenry; at the very least, they wear the costume of good guy. 3)  There are two kinds of Republicans:  the rich people that actually run the party to keep themselves rich at the expense of the rest of the country, and the people they get to vote Republican by branding the Grand Ole Party as the official home of homophobic, racist, sexist, xenophobic, religious zealotry.   Essentially the message of the Republican party is:  “Don’t worry.  You are not stupid.  Whatever you think is wrong with the country is what is wrong with the country–unless you listen to those evil liberals that are out to destroy America.  You’re not some America-destroying-faggot, are you?  No?  Then vote Republican so the people that fund our party to keep less regulations on their mega-businesses can ruin the possibility of you ever living in a middle-class state with dependable health care because they’re afraid they’ll only be super-rich–instead of unfuckingbelievablyterrifyingly rich–without our help.  Uh, I mean we’re for economic freedom and against big government and foreigners taking your job and giving money to black people. That’s what I meant.  Would it be alright if we wrote you a check to vote for us?  Long live freedom and God bless America!“

So that’s about it you know.  That’s what I know.  Every once in a while I’ll have some of my more politically astute friends recommend a video or book to me suggesting there’s strong evidence that the 9/11 attacks might’ve been indirectly orchestrated or “intentionally ignored” by certain Republicans (everyone Bush knows) with oil/defense interests in an attempt to create a strong enough anti-Arab sentiment to spur a U.S. presence in the Middle East to not only strengthen it’s position in the “oil wars”, but also to encourage growth in the largest sector of America’s economy:  the defense industry.  I know something about government contracts in Iraq being given out to certain companies that have supported the Republican party very well financially; contracts that very often are financed by the American taxpayers to establish an exploitative operation in a usurped land by soldiers that aren’t paid nearly as much to pacify and ready the land for exploitation as those who obtain the contracts to financially exploit Iraqi resources.  I listened to Air America before they took it off the air here in Atlanta (when I could stand to listen to the heinously awful programming they offered).  I’ve seen OutFoxed.  I know the deal.  But I don’t have the time to follow all the shit going on, you know?  There isn’t a major news outlet on television that’s willing to acknowledge any of these issues, lest they be accused of being a part of the “liberal media”, who are apparently a group of literate, upper-middle class, predominantly white men (the actual demographic make-up of most journalists) who will stop at nothing to turn our society into a welfare state for Mexican criminals, lazy black people, amoral gay men who wish to poison the foundation of the family through same-sex marriage, and man-hating liberal lesbians that want to have multiple abortions via artificial insemination to support their government subsidized stem-cell research production business.   I don’t have time to look up and down at everything the Republican party’s doing to fuck over everyone except the few assholes rich enough to take advantage of the benefits they acquire for themselves by fleecing the rest of the country.  I do know that I opt against buying health insurance because there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t be dropped if I were to become ill enough to actually need it unless I had government health insurance, and that the health care/pharmaceutical industry has the second largest profit margins in the United States  (next to the oil industry, of course) for a reason: their business is making as much money as possible for themselves while expending as little time and resources as is legally allowable dealing with the inconvenience of patient care.  So I don’t pretend to be a political expert, but I’m becoming more and more of one everyday simply because if I don’t it’ll probably be detrimental to my financial and physical well being.  That’s a fact of life I’m coming to grips with every day.  In the capitalist game of exploitation, the only thing worse than lacking capital is lacking capital and information.

November 28, 2007:  to some people it was just another day, another opportunity to wear an American flag bandanna while riding an over-priced motorcycle with flames somewhere on the gas-tank to eat at an over-priced corporate restaurant with flames somewhere on the menu.  To others it was another day to pretend that having a tramp stamp hadn’t completely removed all credibility from their existence, and still for others it was a day to wear a Police reunion  t-shirt to a crowded bar and brood in utter hopelessness.  For most it was was just another day to pretend not to be annoyed by Will Smith.   But for those with a sense of history and taste, November 28th, 2007 will always be remembered as the greatest day in excruciatingly embarrassing/hilarious entertainment history:  the day of the first Republican YouTube debate  in our world.

I’m just going to say it now.  If you’re a Republican you’re either a very bad, very misinformed, or very stupid person.  Let’s get that out of the way.  We all know the Republicans in our lives:  the ignorant racist rednecks, the marginally financially successful that think voting Republican puts them in some elite club or that the Democratic party’s ultimate goal is to tax them into submissive poverty,  the old people that value a President that pretends to be religious more than their own health, people that name their guns, etc.  This is the Republican party’s base. Imagine if you will a bunch of evil, rich, white guys aspiring to be in the pocket of every major corporation on Earth, all trying to suck up to a base that is at best unfathomably ignorant and at worst purely evil.  Now imagine that same base of unfathomably ignorant purely evil people getting the opportunity to pose questions to the  charlatan candidates via shittily conceived and executed YouTube videos broadcast nationally, and you can begin to understand maybe the second dumbest thing that’s ever happened in the world next to everything Billy Corgan’s ever done.

The Republican YouTube debate started out with a bang, but before I get into what that bang specifically was, I’ll make a bit of an educational digression.  For those that may not be aware, the worst thing that happened in the world in the year 2007 happened in my unfortunate hometown of Atlanta, and the following is the story of this terrible, harrowing event.

The Atlanta Braves are a phenomenon of upper-middle class mediocrity here in Georgia; that doesn’t mean that Atlanta Braves fans are mainly upper-middle class, it means that the overwhelming majority of The Braves Nation aspire to the Vapid Upper-Middle Class Myth:  don’t be black, go to church and Braves games, get some type of sales job, and you will be successful.   The people that go to Atlanta Braves games are the worst people in the world, and they attend Atlanta Braves games with no other intention than to simply be somewhat indicative of assholeness.  Nobody watches the games.   People just tell their friends via cellphone they’re at the Braves’ game and drink beer and hang out with a lot of people wearing either North Face clothes and trail shoes, or Hollister clothes and SEC hats.  Everyone that attends an Atlanta Braves game is a Republican in waiting, simply because the idea that a person would waste $100 doing something it’s completely impossible to enjoy is a personality characteristic exclusive to Republicans driven by the Vapid Upper-Middle Class Myth.  I often meet people from outside the Southeast and they usually seem to have it in their minds that the most frightening phenomenon they associate with the South is NASCAR.  I’ll be the first to admit that NASCAR fans aren’t the most enlightened collective, but having grown up around NASCAR I know that the prioritized list of things to do in a NASCAR fan’s mind at a race goes something like this:

1)  Get fucked up enough to pretend to be a  gay Mexican named “Pee-dro”.

2)   Pretend to not be bothered by Lenny Kravitz or whatever banal African-American celebrity is being employed by NASCAR that week to diversify it’s image.

3)  Know who Lance Armstrong is currently dating.

4)  Have a reasonably lucid argument as to why your favorite driver is not a faggot, and why all other drivers are.

Now I’m not saying that NASCAR fans aren’t generally a perfect example of the misguidedness of our nation in every sense imaginable, but having grown up observing these people in the South and as evidenced by the list above, NASCAR fans are human beings that are generally just engaging in a cultural phenomenon they’ve grown up around and enjoy for whatever reasons.  The average non-Southerner that attends a NASCAR race is probably a little scared initially, then disarmed by how incredibly nice the drunken redneck he’s been talking to for 3 hours about  the “underrated filmwork of ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper”  actually is.  Which is to say succinctly, NASCAR fans are usually dumb, but very rarely evil.  For example:

The same can’t be said of Atlanta Braves baseball “fans”.  I understand that other people from certain regions in the United States pretend to like baseball to seem sophisticated (because apparently only the truly sophisticated can be satisfied watching 99.9% of nothing happen for four hours), but the Atlanta Braves baseball fan is another creature entirely.  The Atlanta Braves baseball fan doesn’t give a shit about baseball.  It is a proven fact that no Atlanta Braves baseball fan can even name the starting lineup of the Atlanta Braves, despite the fact that he/she spends literally hundreds of hours a year in the presence of the phenomenon known as Atlanta Braves baseball.  The decision to go to an Atlanta Braves baseball game is a decision bred of telling the rest of the world to fuck off — a way to say, “I may be a Christian, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to piss on the freshly killed corpses of people that can’t afford $200 sandals,” without words;  or, “I am such a badass and I rule so much that I spend shitloads of money on stuff that bores the shit out of me.  Give me the lamest form of entertainment known to man, and with a few Coronas and 25,000 of my closest equally lame friends, I’ll be just fine.  That’s how I roll.”

So I hate baseball…a lot–and Atlanta Braves baseball much more so.  But I do have one use for baseball in my life.  I put my daughter to bed every night she’s with me.  She likes to have the television on as she falls asleep.  The problem is that whatever’s on can’t be too interesting or else she’ll pay attention to what’s on the television rather than going to sleep.  Enter baseball.   Baseball is the one thing that no one in their right mind wants to pay attention to.  Even people that claim to be baseball fans don’t want to watch baseball, they just want to have it on so they can let everyone know they’re a fucking asshole.  In my many years of bartending I’ve had 7000 assholes ask me if I could turn one of the TV’s to a baseball game, only to find them paying no attention to the game for the remainder of their lame stay at the bar.  However, given the fact that baseball could coax a coked-up Robin Williams into a Van Winkel-esque slumber, it’s what I tune the TV to when my daughter’s trying to go to bed.  So sometime in August 2007 (I think) I had the TV tuned to a Braves’ game while Maddy (daughter) was going to sleep.   The game ended and the post-game show came on–which kind of intrigued me.   A post-game show for baseball?!  Isn’t that kinda like an inspirational montage of an 80 year-old woman’s day long cyber-solitaire session?  The idea of the possibilities of undemanding entertainment people that could watch a baseball post-game show might tolerate really had me excited.  Would we see Frank Caliendo as George W. Bush telling fart jokes?  Advertisements for a new television channel featuring nothing but Ben Stiller movie trailers?  Perhaps a feature on some of the Braves going on a hunting trip with Bill Engvall?  As I ran possibilities through my head, the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life played out before me.  To properly understand the terror of what I was soon to witness you have to understand two things:  1) There’s some asshole guy that plays for the Braves named Mark Teixeira (pronounced ta-share-a) who’s apparently good at doing whatever baseball players are supposed to be good at (besides inspiring tribal tattoos).  2)  There’s a breed of person  that exists predominantly in the Southeastern United States called a “frippie”.  Frippies are a subculture of people that have managed to merge the seemingly oppositional cultures of hippiedom and fraternity life.  Basically the ultimate fuck you to the rest of the planet, frippies have figured out that everything in the world is OK, and that all of the world’s ills would be solved if we all just listened to shitty acoustic/jam bands named after an experience with food, wore name brand pre-worn clothes, and had rich parents to take care of us while we were busy thinking about absolutely nothing in college.  I always knew that frippies made up most of baseball’s young audience, but I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see.

The host of the post-game show announced that a special treat would be in store for the television audience tonight as two young men had composed a song in honor of Braves “sensation” Mark Teixeira.  The two young men came out, one with an acoustic guitar, both wearing “mandals”, SEC hats,  and pre-worn clothes.  They sat down and it began.  As they began, both frippies demonstrated the ultimate frippie move right off the bat:  the obvious shaking back and forth of the head to signify the fact that they were, like, really into the music.  With my good taste already horribly offended, the guitar player played perhaps the most obnoxious string of strummy, bullshit, barre chords I’ve ever heard in my life while the other guy began to sing…about how much he loved Mark Teixeira. The song was rife with pointing at the camera, affected shoulder shrugging, and all manner of completely embarrassing histrionics I haven’t seen the likes of since my days of competitive Mormon theater.  I  also feel it’s important to add that the crux of the song was that the two fellows would rhyme the word “Teixeira” with rhyming phrases like “I don’t care-a”, “it’s not fair-a”, etc.   If you can imagine the Barenaked Ladies deciding that they wanted to combine their musical obnoxiousness with a new front man who was all about drinking Sam Adams Light and calling complete strangers “bossman” you can start to begin to understand how truly horrifying this was for a human being with any amount of compassionate interest in the mental health of humankind.   Needless to say the song was a hit.  They ended up playing the song before a bunch of games at the stadium, it was played on the radio incessantly, and a YouTube video of the performance was downloaded like 100,000 times a day for a month.  Completely mortifying.  I promise you that if you do not own a Kenny Chesney album, the video you’re about to watch will be the most uncomfortable experience of your  life:

So the reason for this lengthy digression on the Atlanta Braves and the phenomenon of frippie-dom is this:  after Florida governor Charlie Crist came out looking like a Hulk Hogan/Bennie Hinn Floridian-superhuman and assured us all that the Republican YouTube debate would be “…the people’s debate…about the future of America…about integrity, honor, duty, and loyalty”,  some frippie from rural Washington (frippies live everywhere that sophistication doesn’t) came out and attempted to out-retard the Mark Teixeira Georgia Retards.  Though it’s absolutely true that nothing in the entire world will ever be as purely stupid as the Mark Texeira song by the Mark Teixeira Georgia Retards, the number of people that experienced it accidentally has to be pretty low, and the majority of the people that willfully experienced the artistic equivalent of Will Smith fronting a reggae/nu metal/prog-rock band are base subhumans that deserve whatever vile punishments Creflo A. Dollar’s god decides to inflict on them.  So barring the extremely unfortunate experience I had of putting my daughter to sleep with a baseball post-game show on,  the risk of thoughtful people having to see a guy with a guitar, mandals, and a hemp-necklace embarrass himself and everyone around him had been relatively low…until Chris Nandor from Snohomish, Washington took time out from his lacrosse league to serenade the Republican candidates with a song.

The candidates on stage in this debate weren’t stupid.  They were evil, dishonest, megalomaniacal and insidious, but there’s a certain kind of sympathy one feels for the swindler at having to engage his unsophisticated victims –and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the candidates as Chris Nandor gave embarrassing little political quips over trite guitar playing that they all had to pretend to be entertained by.  It was the first time in my life I’ve ever felt sorry for people trying to fuck over the citizenry of the United States by pretending to be religious good ol’ boys turning the complex issues of economics into a simple “We’re for economic freedom” argument to delude the voting base of America into further patriotic demise.   It’s that fucked up.

Something pretty amazing occurs while the video’s playing for the candidates that’s pretty much the essence of what happens in this debate. As the song begins you feel sorry for the candidates for having to endure the frippie’s bullshit, but almost immediately the candidate’s reactions reveal the heart of why Republicans are always a threat to ruin our country:  Republicans make everyone feel like they’re not stupid… even Chris Nandor.  The debate began and the contest to make stupid people feel like they weren’t stupid was on.  The participants, and their rating on the AMSNIP (Accidentally Might Say Nigger In Public) meter:

John McCain: Obviously insane.  No chance in hell of winning anything, including a heterosexuality contest versus Matthew Broderick.  Implied a non-involvement in Iraq was tantamount to allowing World War III to begin and stopped just short of saying that his tax plan was the best for America because he’d endured years of torture as a P.O.W.  Accidentally Might Say Nigger In Public meter:  6.  He’s from Arizona so it’s doubtful he knows any black people except for Charles Barkley, but I guarantee you he tells his close friends , “There’s black people…and there’s niggers.”

Duncan Hunter:  What the fuck?  I can understand obscure Democratic candidates onstage, what with the need to truly state a Liberal message that Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama are too poll conscious to espouse, but why in God’s name is there a need for a non-charismatic version of a Republican candidate for president.  It’s not like any of these guys have a different message.   It’s all the same “I’m for you and against big government and tax and spend Liberals” and yada fucking whatever.  Having a boring Republican candidate that doesn’t act like an asshole is like buying any Prince album after Purple Rain: profanely unwise excessiveness.  He did make an honorable attempt at craziness late in the debate when he gave an almost sexual description of his gun collection.  Also confronted the major issue of lead toys from China by imploring us all to buy American, which’d be nice if there were anything American left to buy besides shitty cars and novelty hot sauces.  AMSNIP meter: 3.  Would probably be higher if he knew any that weren’t strategically placed behind him.

Tom Tancredo:  This guy falls into the same category as the dude above.  He did mention something strange about having taken on Geraldo which was completely bewildering.  I mean, I’m pretty sure that it’s a better idea when running for President of the United States to talk about the time you got so high and drunk that you cried while listening to “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” than it is to brag about how you took on Geraldo.  Accidentally Might Say Nigger In Public meter:  2.  He really loves to say nigger,  but doesn’t want to give Geraldo any political ammunition to use against him.

Ron Paul:  As the Libertarian candidate Ron Paul brought sensible views to the foreign policy discussion, and was soundly booed by the crowd–all of whom were apparently ready to bomb the fuck out of Iceland.  Looks like Ichabod Crane with AIDS.  AMSNIP meter: 0.  So busy patting himself and other fellow Libertarians on the back for their perceived social vanguard-ism that he’s forgotten what a nigger is.

Mike Huckabee:  If elected president, promises to decorate the White House with tons of homey Jesus shit and keep all bathrooms stocked with Reader’s Digest.  Seems like a condescending narrow-minded preacher because he’s actually a condescending narrow-minded preacher.  Accidentally Might Say Nigger In Public meter: 5.  Will only say nigger in the presence of voters who believe that Jesus said nigger.

Rudy Giuliani:  The most intelligent of the candidates lost big for simply giving fairly reasonable responses to the questions Republican crazy people want crazy answers to.  It’s worth noting that this guy’s megalomania is  frighteningly palpable.  If he ever gets elected he’s going to pass a bill making it illegal for people to pose questions in his presence.  AMSNIP meter : 7.  Uses the word nigger daily, but says “A nigger doesn’t have to be a black person, a nigger can be any ignorant person that interferes with my plan to rule the world and incurs the wrath of my death squad.”

Mitt Romney:  Yet another reminder that people in Massachusetts can drink the rest of the country under the table.  Apparently the entire citizenry of Massachusetts got so fucked up on election night that they all forgot to write in Mark Wahlberg and accidentally voted Mitt Romney governor.  A smug, unlikeable, buffoon-ish, Mormon android, Mitt Romney achieves the impossible by being more unlikeable than Adrian Zmed in Bachelor Party.  Accidentally Might Say Nigger In Public meter: 8.  The only chance in hell this guy has to get elected is if everyone in the country that likes to say nigger voted for Mitt Romney because he changed his campaign slogan to “Mitt Romney.  For a Nigger Saying America.”

Fred Thompson:  If you’re going to vote Republican you owe it to yourself to vote for Fred Thompson.  To those that may not be aware, Fred Thompson is the actor that plays all those creepy Republican racist guys in movies when a character is credited as “creepy Republican racist guy.”  The issues that the candidates were asked to address were astoundingly stupid.  One guy asked the candidates to talk about their gun collections.  Another asked if they believed “every word of the bible is true”.  A white woman from Alabama who had converted to Islam asked what America could do to improve its image in the Middle East.  Someone asked what Jesus would do about the death penalty.  And in the single most ironic thing I’ve ever seen, a dude named Montavius asked the Republican candidates what they would do about black on black crime.  Asking a Republican about what he’s going to do about black on black crime is pretty much the same thing as asking a Trekkie what he’s going to do about William Shatner living in his basement. What all of these questions have in common is that all of them are so stupid they seem to defy common sense…and no one on Earth is better at answering stupid questions that defy common sense than Fred Thompson.  And that my friends is what being a Republican president is all about.  Accidentally Might Say Nigger In Public meter: 10.  Fred Thompson calls Swedish people snow niggers.  Fred Thompson calls attorneys law niggers.  Fred Thompson calls ants ground niggers.

So that’s about it.  It was a night for the ages.  A night where you could not only watch sleazy asshole politicians lie directly to your face and grovel for your vote by pretending to be as dumb as the dumbest people in America, but a night you could watch the dumbest people in America make shitty internet videos for the shittiest people in the world to pretend to relate to.  As far as morbidly depressing, brilliant, unintentional comedy goes, you really can’t beat it, but as for what this means for the future of our country–well it means we have a future of morbidly depressing, brilliant, unintentional comedy to look forward to. Not only should you not vote for these guys even if you’re one of the .01% of the country whose interests they might actually try to serve, but you shouldn’t vote for any of these guys because they’re all a bunch of ass-clowns.  And even though it might be hilarious to have President Fred Thompson declare a War On Niggers, I could just write a blog about that and we could have all the entertaining possibilities that might entail without the actual genocide.   Until I do that just watch this video and see why Fred Thompson calls these guys his “core constituency niggers”.

This entry was posted on August 5, 2008 at 11:15 pm and is filed under Uncategorized . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.